


Radiate or Drain

by turtlejustice



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Episode: s05e17 Kapiushon, F/M, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-16
Updated: 2018-02-22
Packaged: 2019-01-18 08:20:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 12,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12384441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/turtlejustice/pseuds/turtlejustice
Summary: set post 5x17





	1. Water

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first time I've posted any Arrow related fic and it's been about five years since I've shared my writing publicly. With that said, I hope you like it. :)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Felicity watched him with wary eyes. She was torn between her heart and her head; as she usually was where Oliver is concerned. Her heart was overjoyed that he had come back home to her but her head couldn’t help thinking that it was too good to be true. It reminded her of the feeling she got when she returned to the bunker to find Laurel standing in Oliver’s embrace. Her heart had also overpowered her mind then, but only for a moment.

It was almost a two days ago that Oliver just walked back into the bunker as if he had simply been out on a mission and got a little banged up; in reality he had been abducted by a psychopath that wanted to destroy him and held hostage for six days.

She knew nothing of what Chase had done to him in those six days. She knew better than to ask, it would get her nowhere and if she’s being honest she wasn’t sure if she could handle it.

“How’s the search coming?” John asked. She could tell by his tone that he was keyed up.

“Slow.” Felicity replied with an exasperated breath.

She turned in her chair so that she was facing him, she wanted to see his face when she asked the question, “How is he?”

He sighed and ran his hand over his face, “I don’t know, Felicity. He’s strong but this prick is in his head. I don’t know what to do at this point. I’ve said everything I can think to say. Have you tried?”

“No. I’ve been too afraid too. Adrian is insane and Oliver was trapped in a room with him for days. I’m not sure I can handle what he has to say.” She admitted.

She turned back around to see that Oliver was no longer sitting on the couch. She felt panic begin to stir in her stomach.

“Where’d he go?” She asked the room. She didn’t really care who told her where he was she just wanted answer, now.

“He went down the hall.” Curtis replied, pointing down the hallway that lead to the showers.

“Go talk to him, Felicity. He needs you. You’re strong. You’ve listened to more of Oliver’s horror stories than anyone, I’d say.”

“Okay.” She sounded resolute, like she thought he was right. She wasn’t. The only thing she was sure of was that she was afraid, not of Oliver but of feeling more guilt. She knew that she could get him to talk to her and she knew that he would. But she also knew that she was not in a place that she could give him what he needs and that knowledge adds another layer of guilt on to her ever-growing pile.

She eased the door open and her heart fell to her stomach. Oliver stood in front of the sink, staring down at the water that was pooling in his hands and overflowing as more poured in from the faucet.

She took a moment to take in his new wounds, as he was shirtless. She had seen his wounds when he first came back. She had been surprised that she couldn’t make herself look away. But now that she is seeing him when his armor is down her heart is aching to reach out and hold him. She chides herself for thought before reminding herself that they don’t have that kind of relationship anymore.

He would have a new arrow scar, he used to joke that he hoped the next big scar was an arrow and not a sword. The thought of Oliver feeling carefree enough to joke about his scars made her heart tighten in her chest. She would be lying if she said she didn’t feel guilt for that too; for taking away his peace. She pushed the thoughts of their life together to the back of her mind. Revisiting those days is a luxury she couldn’t afford. She set back to her task of assessing his wounds. His bratva tattoo was now hidden underneath burnt flesh; of all his wounds that was the one that sent surges of anger through her veins. That was her spot; it was the last thing she saw before falling asleep for many nights. Even after they broke up she would lay in bed and think of it before drifting off to sleep. Adrian Chase would burn for what he’s done to him.

She wondered if she should walk over to him or speak to him. He looked so lost in his own mind that she was afraid she would startle him if she did either. She settled for knocking on the already open door. The sound didn’t startle him nor did seeing her behind him in the mirror. Their eyes locked and they just stayed that way for a while, neither knowing how long and neither wanting to stop it.

Felicity didn’t remember deciding to walk towards him but at some point, she had. She was right next to him when their eyes broke and she felt as though she reentered her body. She wasn’t sure why of all the questions that were running through her mind a few moments ago, she had to ask, “What are you doing?” with a gesture to the water in his cupped hands. He must have been doing this for a while because his fingers had started to wrinkle.

“Just trying to understand how something you can’t even grasp can be a weapon.” He mumbled, as if he was talking to himself. At first Felicity thought he just didn’t want to talk about it but when her eyes moved from his hands up to his face she saw that wasn’t it at all, that was all he could muster.

She felt as though she was seeing him for the first time, seeing how tired he was. She wondered what else he had endured over the past few days that didn’t leave a physical mark on him.

“Seems ridiculous, doesn’t it.” She replied.

He nodded before reaching to turn the water off. He moved so that the counter was supporting most of his weight. She had noticed that last year, when he was utterly exhausted he leaned on things for support.

“Oliver, I -” Felicity started doing her damnedest to mask everything she was feeling.

Just like that his armor was back up. Felicity would be lying if she said it didn’t hurt that his armor was on when it was just the two of them. She used to be one of the only people he was never guarded with.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt.” Curtis said from his place by the door.

“You’re not. What is it?” Oliver stated coldly.

“I just thought Felicity would want to know her search is done.” Curtis stated slowly, Oliver’s wounds distracted him. She couldn’t fault him for it she had done the same.

“Thanks, Curtis.” Felicity answered after a moment of trying to pull herself together. She had thought that Oliver might shut her out but she didn’t stop to think about how it would feel.


	2. Running For Cover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I only want to make you happy  
> Never want to see you cry  
> When you compared me to your daddy  
> It made me want to die  
> I made a promise too young, truth be told  
> There was a fire in my stomach  
> I think its getting cold  
> (Running for Cover by Noah Gundersen)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this while listening to the song named in the Chapter Summary while writing this and cried like a baby while writing it. If you like pain then I'd advise listening to it while reading it. 
> 
> Anyway, comments are much appreciated.

Curtis left with a quick nod to Felicity. He must have read the energy in the room. Lucky, Felicity thought to herself. She had been trying to read Oliver since he put his armor back up and was coming up short.

She watched him while he moved around the room as if every second he had to be there were draining him. He moved quickly and precisely. After what felt like a few seconds but must have been longer considering the sigh that came from Oliver, he spoke.

“You can go now.”

“I know. I just…”

“You just what?!” He exclaimed. He was at his wits end but with what she wasn’t sure.

“I just wanted to talk to you.” She was aware of how meek she sounded and she hated herself for it.

“Why? I’m not your problem anymore, Felicity. _You_ left _me,_ twice now, remember.”

“That doesn’t mean I don’t care about you.” She said forcing down the happiness she was feeling from the firm tone in her voice.

“Okay, so when you want to talk I’m supposed to just drop everything and spill my heart and soul to you?”

“I’m not asking for that?” How had they gotten here? This wasn’t them.

“You know what, I’ve got shit to do. I’m not gonna stand here and debate with you.” Oliver stated, he moved around her and headed for the door.

“I should have known.” Felicity mumbled under her breath. She hadn’t meant for him to hear it but he did.

“Yeah, you should have. When you spend, _months_ shutting me out and running as far from me as you possibly can. Maybe I’m just following your lead.”

And just like that he was gone.

* * *

 

Oliver walked. He didn’t know or care where he was going. Adrian’s words had set off an explosion inside of him; one that seemed to be never ending. The words were playing on a constant loop in his head. _Do you really think John Diggle and Felicity Smoak’s lives are better having known you?_ No. He’d never once thought that. He never would. He knew he only knew how to hurt. Yet, they stood by him. No matter how many times he fucked up; made the wrong choice that brought nothing but pain. Shit, even now they were still fighting.

Oliver fought the urge to vomit as he thought of Felicity standing there trying to reach him entered his mind. He didn’t deserve her. He always suspected it but now he _knew_ it. He thought about the first time he saw her; babbling to a picture of him on his mother’s desk. When he made the decision to come home he also promised himself that he’d stay away from her. That was when he thought he could as time went on he found he couldn’t. She made him want to be a better person. He’d thought he could be a better person; he was wrong. That was a mistake that _she_ paid for.

Since the day he walked into her office that day with genuine smiles and terrible lies, she’d felt nothing but pain from him. Thinking about how she was before she met him, pure and happy, made him hate himself even more. He tried to think of the last time he saw a real smile on her face; he couldn’t remember. He remembered promising her one night in Bali that he would make her smile every day for the rest of his life. Another lie.

The vibration from his ringing phone pulled him from his thoughts. He dug it out of his pocket and checked the screen, Felicity’s name appeared on the screen.

“Yeah.” He answered. He didn’t even bother to hide the depths of the emotions raging inside of him, it was Felicity and he was done lying to her. She’d endured enough because of him.

“Where are you?” She asked, concern dripping from every word.

“I don’t know, Felicity. Do you need something?”

“Oliver. I’m sorry about- “She started but he stopped her before she could finish.

“Felicity, you have nothing to apologize for. I’m sorry for yelling and for what I said. I just- I’m tired of hurting you.” Oliver felt like something was lifting inside him.

“Then come back. Talk to me.” She pleaded.

“You don’t get it. _I’m_ what’s hurting you; me. I’m broken. If I’m not hurting myself then I’m hurting everyone I love.” He confessed. When he heard nothing on the other line he continued, “I can’t do it anymore.”

“Oliver, please. You have to know that isn’t true.”

“I don’t, Felicity.” He sat down on the sidewalk. It was as though he felt the exhaustion from the past week crash into him all at once.

“I pinged your phone. Just stay there, please. We’re on our way.”

With that admission Oliver threw his phone into the street. It took nothing more than thirty seconds for an 18-wheeler to reduce it to a pile of microchips and plastic.

He stood up from his place on the sidewalk and started walking again. His legs were shaking but they’d make it. His destination wasn’t far away.

He pulled his keys from his pocket and unlocked the padlock letting it drop to the ground.

Verdant. A place he once felt was home. Now, it’s empty in every way that matters. Like him.

He pulled the back entrance open and walked inside. Everything was exactly as the SCPD had left it, a fucking mess. He walked over to the bed that Felicity had insisted on buying him when she saw what he had been sleeping on. That was the moment he realized that she loved him. He knew she thought he was attractive and that she had a crush on him but that moment he _knew_ she was in love with him. This is what he did with that love. Leave it sitting in the basement of a building like it meant nothing.

He walked over to it and laid down. It was cold and wet but still soft. When sleep found him it came quick and pulled him under instantly.


	3. Go Wherever You Wanna Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You don’t ever have to go to war no more  
> Never have to go to war no more  
> Wear them boots and swim that icy shore now  
> You don’t ever have to go to war no more
> 
> You can get up on some sunny day and run  
> Run a hundred miles just for fun now  
> Heartaches and yesterdays don’t weigh a ton now  
> You can get up on some sunny day and run

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so...this took an unexpected turn for me. I hope you guys like it. Comments are always appreciated and adored. I have a tendency to listen to one song on repeat while writing so if you want an extra level of angst listen to [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m42k0f5_AMI) song while reading. 
> 
> Also, i wanted to ask would you rather have a longer wait between chapters but bigger updates or does this system work? 
> 
> Also, for those that don't know I'm also on [Tumblr](http://turtlejustice.tumblr.com/).

Felicity stood outside the metal door that would lead her to Oliver. She’d asked John to let her do this part on her own. For some reason the thought of anyone but her seeing Oliver in the state he’s in makes her feel sick. She had only ever heard him sound like that twice before; the day he tried to sacrifice himself to Slade and the night she had to leave him in Nanda Parbat. She felt as if his words were dripping with resignation expect this time there was no one to surrender to.

She summoned all the courage she had and pulled the door open. Her ears were met with a loud screech as the door protested opening; much like her heart. When she reached the bottom of the stairs the she braced herself for whatever she would find in their dilapidated home. The ‘arrow cave’ would always be their home in her mind. It’s where they fell in love. She watched Oliver grow from a lonely vigilante to a leading a team of heroes. Adrian Chase took that from him and she felt bile rise in her throat at that revelation. He took that growth and he will die for it. She’ll make sure of it.

“Oliver.” She called out quietly.

Nothing.

She walked forward to the place her computers once lived and called out again, “Oliver”.

Her eyes searched the darkness and found him. He lay still on the bed she insisted on buying for him. She remembered how much he fought her on that. What he didn’t know was her buying him a bed was a compromise. She hated that he lived in the ‘arrow cave’. He deserved so much more than that. He deserved a home. In hindsight, that must have been why she worked so hard to turn the ‘arrow cave’ into one. And she did.

She walked over to him and sat down by his sleeping form. She knew he was sleeping from the gentle rise and fall of his chest. He looked like a child; so innocent and scared. She’d never seen him like this and to say it broke her heart was an understatement.

He doesn’t deserve this pain; or any pain. He’s been through to much as it is. His words played in her mind, _I don’t want to do this anymore_. Who could blame him? She wants him to be free of this world and the weight it forces him to carry. He deserves the life that made together in Ivy Town. Those happy days when smiles were always on his face and the light he always denied having shown as bright as the sun.

She hadn’t realized John came in until he spoke, “Felicity, is he okay?”.

“No.” It was the truth. Oliver was so far from okay. He was devastated, by what exactly she didn’t know. He was hurting, wet and cold; “But he’s alive.”

“We need to get him out of here.”

“I know.” She didn’t want to disturb him but she knew John was right. He needed a lot of things and medical attention and support were her number two concerns.

She reached out and ran her hand through his wet hair. Memories flashed through her mind of all the times she’d done this, the circumstance were much different now.

“Oliver, my love.” She said lowly. Her heart shattered when his eye opened. They were so empty. No that wasn’t it. There was love there, always was when he looked at her. But now, there was regret too. He’d never looked at her with regret in his eye before. What did he regret?

“Where are we?” he asked.

“The ‘Arrow Cave’. Please come home with us.” Felicity pled.

“I don’t have a home, Felicity.” He stated, there was that childlike demeanor again.

“Oliver, as long as I am alive, you will always have a home.” She declared, lacing her words with as much love as she could.

“If I’m in your life you won’t be alive for much longer.” He said as he sat up and pushed himself of the bed. His legs gave out as he did. Both her and john lunged to catch him before he hit the ground, he’d done enough of that. John got to him first, thankfully.

“I got you brother.”

Oliver never said anything else. Not when John helped him up the stairs and into the van. Not on the journey back to the bunker. Not when John helped him inside and lead him to his cot. He didn’t speak again until Felicity offered to get him something to eat.

“Just go.” He pled so low she almost missed it.

“I’m not leaving you, Oliver. You said it earlier, and while you may have been an asshole about it, you were right. I have been running from you and shutting you out. But I can’t see you this way and pretend I don’t care or that I don’t love you. So, I’m not leaving you.”

“You will. When you see me for what I truly am, you will. At least I hope you will.” She walked over to where he sat on the cot and kneeled in front of him.

“Look at me.” She waited for his eyes to meet hers before she continued. “Right now, you are going to take the medicine John’s getting you, and then you’re going to sleep. When you wake up, Dr. Schwartz is going to be to check you out. Then, me and you, are going to talk.”

“I don’t need medicine.”

“Yes, you do. I’ll use my loud voice if I have to.” She jested, with a small smile.

John entered and Oliver took the medicine, like he had a choice on that one. She’d have made John hold him down while she forced it down his throat if she had too.

* * *

 

Felicity woke up to the sound of her computers sounding an alarm. It must be morning now. She ran over to shut the alarm off before it woke Oliver from his sleep.

“Felicity!” She heard John call from where Oliver was resting. She took off towards them and met John as he was running towards her computers. In his hand was a piece of paper.

“He’s gone.” He stated looking terrified and pissed all at once.

“He can’t be gone. We just got him back.” Felicity replied, fear running through her.

“Here.” John growled, handing her the paper and walking towards the sparing dummies.

The note was written in Oliver’s handwriting and read:

 “ _I know you won’t leave me. Either of you. So, I’m leaving you. Please don’t look for me. The man you both cared for was a lie. I tried to be the man you both believed I could be. I failed. Adrian is right. In time, you’ll both see that. I need you both to know I’m not leaving because I don’t love you but because I do love you. I’ve done nothing but bring pain into your lives since the moment we met. For that I’m sorry. It was never my intention, please know that. But Chase helped me see that it doesn’t matter what my intentions are because I’m the problem. Please, look after each other and look after Thea. I have one last thing to say to you, Felicity, and I wish I could say it to you. I’m so sorry for everything loving me has cost you. I’m so sorry for everything leaving you will bring. I’m sorry that this has to be goodbye.”_


	4. Revolver

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys like it. Sorry for the wait. Comments are always appreciated and adored.

Oliver couldn’t shut his mind off. He’d tried everything that once worked. Nothing. That’s what he wanted but his mind had other ideas. Tonight, all he could think about was everything everyone had said over the years that tore him, in one way or another.

_I’d hoped you’d rot in hell a whole lot longer than five years…._

_You’re not my father and you’re barley my brother…._

_I wish you’d died on that island…_

_I really did lose your mind on that island…_

_I don’t want to be a woman you love…_

_It’s hard to imagine a time that I was ever in love with you…_

_You’ll always be the man who came back to save the city, alone…_

_Do you really think John Diggle’s and Felicity Smoak’s lives are better having known you?..._

**No.**

He couldn’t make it stop but he wasn’t sure he wanted it to stop. He’d been at this point a few times, mostly during the five years he was gone. He recalled the first time he held a gun in his hand and thought about using it to end his pain. It was in that cave back on Lian Yu. He’d held the same gun his father took his life with in his hand and intended to do the same. That time, it had all been in his mind, the gun and the words his father told him. The next time, he was in a cell on Lian Yu, the day before he came home to starling. The gun was real, the pain was real, the desire to stop it all was definitely real. Laurel, she wasn’t. She was a manifestation of his soul trying to save him. That time it worked. He’d been fool enough to believe the words; that his family needed him to keep them save, his city needed to be saved. _Stupid boy._

Now, he finds himself here once again. Sitting alone in his office, the only place he could think to go, a gun laying on his desk. Inside the revolver was only one bullet; it’s all he’d need. He didn’t know how long he’d been sitting there. He wondered if he’d actually follow through this time; he felt he would.

“Oliver?” a gentle voice called to him.

He looked up and saw Felicity standing in front of his desk. Was she real or another manifestation of his soul?

He said nothing.

“I looked for you everywhere. I spent hours looking for you in Russia, Hong Kong, and that god forsaken island. And where do I find you? Here.” She ranted. He could tell that she wanted to be yelling this at him, but she would not let herself.

She is real.

He sat there still staring at his gun.  He would have spoken to her if he had known what to say to ease her.  He did not.  he did not even know how to ease himself.

“Oliver.” Felicity sighed.

He looked up at her but did not meet her eyes.  She had spent enough time staring into that abyss.  He watched her frame freeze suddenly.  She must have finally noticed the gun laying on his desk.

“Oliver. What are you – “she stopped talking.  Her realization was palpable in the air.

She moved, as though her realization propelled her forward.

“ **No.** ” She declared.

“Felicity, this doesn’t concern you.  Did you not read the note I left you?  Just go.” He did his best to sound okay.  He did not want her to talk him out of this.

“I’m sorry, did you just say this doesn’t concern me?  The love of my life gets tortured by a psychopath for a week, is barely home three days before he takes off and now I find him sitting alone in his office staring at a revolver and I’m not supposed to be concerned?” She spat, rage radiating from her.

“No. You lost that right when you walked out on me!” He spat back.  He did not mean it.  He was just trying to piss her off, so she would leave.

“Save it.  I’m not leaving.” She said as she moved closer to him yet again, except this time she did not stop moving forward.  He stood from his spot, grabbing his gun in his hand as he went.

She stopped then, fear flashing through her eyes.

“Fine.  Stay then.  You won’t like what you see though.” It came out a threat.  He did not mean it to.  The hurt that flashed across her face just made him want to end her pain even more.

“I’m sorry.  I would never – not with you here.  I just wish you’d understand.” He admitted.  They were not on the same page anymore.  He never thought they would ever get here but here they were.

“Then help me.  Help me understand.  I want- I _need_ to understand.” She said walking towards the couch and taking a seat.  She motioned for him to sit next to her, but he was more comfortable with a distance between them.

“I told you.  When you understand then you leave.” He explained.

“I thought that was what you wanted.” She reasoned.

Shit, that was true.  How did she always make things so simple?

“He helped me see.” Oliver started.

“See what?”

“That I’m what’s wrong.  I’ve been blaming everything else, anything else but it’s me.”

“How is it you?”

“I killed people.  But it is more than just that.  I kill, and tourer people and I do it because I want to.  I have always told myself it was because I had to, but it is not.  I want to.”

“Of course, you do.  Why wouldn’t you?  The people you have always fought and killed were the worst of the worst, Oliver.  Psychopaths who want to do nothing but hurt people.  That is not you.  You are kind and brave and strong.  No one you’ve ever killed were any of those things.”

“Billy Malone.  He was those things, Felicity.” He said, looking to the ground much like he had the night he confessed to her that he had killed him.

“You’re right.  But, Oliver, Billy’s death is not on you.  It’s on me and Adrian Chase.” Felicity confessed as she started walking closer to him.  Not liking the space between them.

“Felicity, Billy’s death is not on you.” Oliver said, his conviction soaking every word.

“I agree, Miss. Smoak.  That is all his fault.  Three arrows to the chest, overkill much; you animal.” Adrian said walking into the room.

Oliver instinctively moved to stand between him and Felicity.

“You son of a bitch!” Felicity yelled as she went to move past Oliver.

“Stop.” Oliver commanded as he reached his arm out to stop Felicity from moving forward.

“Words hurt, Miss. Smoak.  My mother is actually a pretty nice lady or was a pretty nice lady.” Chase said, with a smile.

“What do you want, Adrian?” Oliver asked.  His emotions were undetectable.

“Well, I heard you weren’t feeling well. Is it that stomach flu that’s been going around?” Adrian asked with a sly smile.

“No, this is a much nastier virus.  But don’t worry we’re working on a way to kill it.” Felicity said from beside Oliver, who was still holding her in place.

Adrian turned towards her and Oliver gripped the gun in his hand tighter and silently wished it had more than one bullet.

“He hasn’t told you yet.”

“Yes, he just did actually.”

“Not all of it.  You would be gone if he had.  Right, Ollie?”

“Yeah.  I was about to tell her when you came in.”

“Well, hurry it up. Before that mouth of hers gets her killed.”

Adrian started walking towards the exit and Oliver relaxed his hold on Felicity.

“Oh.  I got the paperwork approved.  The thing that says if the mayor dies the DA takes over until an election is held.  So, when you use that gun.  Do not do it in here.  I don’t want to have to clean you off, well everything.”

Felicity snapped.  Oliver regretted loosening his hold on her because he could not stop her from marching up to Chase and punching him.

“Felicity!”


	5. you're the lighthouse when I'm lost at sea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
>  Felicity and Oliver have a heart-to-heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from [Broken Glass by Jack Savorettie](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJ_uH0Cw9Fk)
> 
> comments are adored. <3

The tension in the room was palpable, at least Oliver felt it was.  He stood at full attention waiting for Adrian to even step in Felicity’s direction. Adrian wiped the blood from his lip and turned his gaze to Felicity. Oliver swallowed his pride that not only did Felicity punch him, but she punched him hard.  His girl was strong in every sense.  _She is not yours anymore,_ the voice in his head reminded.

When Adrian moved towards Felicity, Oliver moved to stand between them.  He held his head high and looked him dead in the eye before speaking with more conviction in his voice than he ever had, “I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”

“Why not?  You gonna kill me, Oliver?  Cause we both know you’d like that.” Adrian teased, giving Oliver his patented smirk that made Oliver want to do just that.

“Take one step closer and we’ll both find out.” Oliver countered, his grip on the tightening so much it hurt.  He honestly did not know what he would do.  He knew they were at City Hall and there they were Mayor Queen and District Attorney Chase.  Killing him would be a bad idea.  Hell, punching him here would be a bad idea.  But when Adrian held him hostage and threatened Felicity; showed him how close he had been to her, Oliver felt powerless.  He could not protect her then.  He could not protect her from himself either.  He had tried and failed.  But now, he could protect her from Chase.

“Do it, Ollie.  Show Felicity what you’re to afraid to tell her.” Adrian encouraged, his smirk only growing wider.

He felt frozen.

After a moment, Adrian broke the silence, “No. Nothing. Well, this is boring now”.  And as abruptly as he entered, he left.

“Wow, that felt good.” Felicity enthused after taking a deep breath.

Oliver walked over to the couch in his office and sat down.  He wasn’t sure why, but he felt heavy.  He laid the gun he’d been clenching down on the table in front of him and closed his eyes.

“Oliver, please talk to me.” Felicity pled while walking towards him.

He opened his eyes and watched as she walked to him.  He didn’t put up a fight when she took the gun from the table and unloaded it.  She threw the gun across the room, as though the though of it made her angry.  

“I was supposed to protect you.” He began with a defeated sigh.

“What are you talking about?” Felicity asked leaning forward, closer to him.

“Do you remember when we were on the plane to take Thea to Nanda Parbat and I told you that I had come home once before and how I saw Thea?” He waited for her reply before continuing.

“Yeah.”

“Well, I saw someone else during that trip.  I saw you.  You came into my mother’s office and you were talking to the picture of me on my mom’s desk.” He looked up to gage her response.  She looked surprised, so he continued.

“I had forgotten that feeling that you brought in that moment; peace.  I never forgot it.  In the rest of the time that I was gone, I had this game that I would play with myself when I needed that peace.  I would try to figure out what your name was.  It was stupid but thinking about you made me feel that peace again.”

He stopped talking when he felt her hand on his.  He should pull away but damn if that feeling he was just telling her about wasn’t still there.  How does she do it?

“When I came home, I was adamant that I need to go to the QC Office.  I knew it was confusing for everyone.  It was confusing to me.  But I needed to know if you were still there. See, I promised myself when I decided to come home that I would stay away from you.  I knew that if I was around you then you’d suffer.  I didn’t see you though.  So, I thought that you’d found a better job and left.  Then I walked into your office and my heart soared when I saw you.”

“Oliver, why didn’t – “Felicity began but Oliver cut her off.

“Please, let me finish.” Oliver pled looking up to finally meet her eyes.  Her eyes were full of wonder and love.  He didn’t deserve that love.  She’d given it to him before and he destroyed.  He wouldn’t let that happen again.  She sighed and nodded while squeezing his hand.

“After that, I tried to stay away from you.  But I didn’t take into consideration how much I would need someone with your skills in my mission.  Once I realized it though, it was so easy to find a reason to be around you and the next thing I know, you’re on my team.  And I just lost track of my promise, to stay away from you to keep you safe.”

“Is that why you overreacted after our explosive first date?”

“It was a part of it.”

“Thank you.” She whispered with so much sincerity it hurt.

“For what?”

“For failing.”

He stood from her and started pacing.  Confused didn’t even begin to explain how he felt right now.

“Oliver, I can feel you thinking.” Felicity teased from her spot on the table.

“I don’t get it.”

“Get what?”

“Everything that has happened to you since the moment I walked into your office is my fault.  You’ve been tied up, kidnapped, held at gun point, held at sword point, blown-up, drugged and then you made the mistake of loving me.  And I broke your heart.  You should be begging me to leave, to go!”

“Oliver, you have this way of putting people on a pedestal.  I was heading for those dangers before I ever met you.  You know about my hacktivist days.  I have no doubt that I would have ended up in this type of life before I ever met you.  I was in a transition period when I met you.  I was lonely and numb.”

“You were safe.”

“Maybe so.  But I didn’t feel anything.  I stopped living, really living and just went into auto pilot.  But then, you showed up.  You helped me, not only find myself again, but become even better than I could have ever hoped to be.  If you hadn’t showed up and given me the choice to join your awesome crime fighting adventure, then once I found myself again, I’d have went looking for something.”

“That doesn’t erase all the bad, Felicity.”

“No, it doesn’t.  But it does make it worth it.”

How could loving him make it worth it? Did she miss the list of pain he’d brought into her life?

“Do you remember when you told me that there was a schism in me?” Oliver asked.

“Yeah.”

“I feel like I’ve fallen into it.  I don’t know who I am anymore.  I don’t know how to fix anything.” Oliver confessed.

He watched as felicity stood and walked over to him. She stopped a few inches from him and raised her hand and stretched out her palm.  She opened it to reveal the bullet she’d taken from the gun earlier.

“This isn’t going to help you figure it out.” She declared.

“It’s the only choice I have left.” Oliver confessed, suddenly feeling ashamed.

“No, it’s the only one you can see.” Felicity rationalized, “But you’re not doing this alone.  You have John, Quieten, Thea, Rene, Curtis, Dinah and me.”

“I don’t feel like I have you.”  He admitted looking down at her.  He saw regret flash across her eyes and he wanted to vomit.  Did she regret him?

“Everything all right in here?” John asked opening the door.

“Yeah, it’s okay.” Oliver reassured taking a big step back from Felicity.

John swept the room with his eyes anyway and they stopped when he saw the gun laying on the floor close to the door. He walked over and picked it up.  Oliver knew he recognized it.  It was John that gave it to him to keep in his office, just in case. 

“Sure, about that, Oliver?” John enquired.

Oliver met John’s eyes and felt Felicity’s bearing into him like she was trying to see his soul.  He knew they were concerned about him. 

“If we can find a way to stop Adrian Chase, then yes; I’m sure.” He declared.


	6. demons in me they just multiply

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
>  It all comes to a head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this story is coming to an end. I'm not sure how many chapters are left but there aren't many. I'm sorry for the wait but this update is the biggest chapter yet. Anyway, let me know what you think. <3
> 
> ([chapter title credit](https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/geazy/thebeautifuldamned.html))

Felicity walked through the bunker looking for Oliver.  She felt light hearted for the first time in what felt like a year.  She found the thing that Oliver needed.  A piece of tech that would allow her to reveal Adrian Chase’s identity to the world. 

“Oliver.” She called out as she rounded the corner that lead to Oliver’s room with a hop in her step.

He sat on his cot staring at the wall across from him.  He looked as though he was in another world.  She knew he tended to get lost in his own mind. 

"Hey." She said with a gentleness in her voice that she reserved for him.

"Hey." He replied, looking up at her.  He flinched when their eye met much like the night he come home a few weeks ago.

It killed her not knowing why.  What did he see reflected in her eyes that hurt him enough that he would recoil?

"I've got some good news." She said bouncing on the balls of her feet.

"Good, I could use some." He retorted with a small smile.  It was the smile he gave people when he was trying to fool them.

"That smile doesn't fool me.  It may fool other people but not me." She chided.

"Sorry." He apologized.

"I found a way that we can expose Adrian as Prometheus." She rewarded.

“What?  How?” He exclaimed, giving her a genuine smile this time.

She smiled at his excitement and her pride before answering, “I found- well Helix and I- found a piece of tech that would unscramble the tech in his suit that hides his face.  So, we can use this tech on the video we have of him taking his mask off the night before he took you.  Bam!  No more secret identity.”

“I’m going to ignore the fact that Helix is involved and say, thank you, Felicity.” He said as he stood.

“Well, don’t thank me yet.  We still have to get the tech.  It’s at KORD Industries.  The team is getting ready now.” She explained.

“I guess I should get ready to then.” He said standing. He groaned as he did.

“No. You’re not one hundred percent yet. It’s only been two weeks since you got back.” She reasoned.

“Felicity, I’m fine. I need to get back out there.” He explained.

“Show me.” She demanded.

“What?”

“Show me your wounds. If I think they’ve healed enough that you won’t just reinjure yourself then I’ll sign off on it.” She bargained.

“Felicity, I’m fine.” He pled.

“Then show me.” She asserted.

Oliver sighed but started taking his shirt off. He groaned as he raised his arms to put his shirt over his head.

He turned so that she could see him completely and his muscles tensed.

“No. Oliver, just taking your shirt off hurt. You really think aiming a bow and arrow won’t do the same?”

“I don’t need the bow, Felicity.”

“I know that. But I can’t let you go out there like this.”

“It’s not your place to _let_ me do anything!” He roared suddenly.

“Like hell it’s not!” She roared back, “Just two days ago I found you planning on-” Felicity couldn’t say it. It hurt to much.

“That’s not what this is about.” Oliver reasoned with a sigh.

“No? I don’t see the difference here. I need you to be safe. If you go out there like this, you won’t be.”

“I’m never safe out there.” He pushed.

“Maybe not but you are at a hundred percent and I trust that you can fight your way out of any bad situation you find yourself in.”

“Felicity, my shoulder may not be completely healed but I don’t have the stiches anymore.” He pushed further.

Without warning, Felicity reached out and laid her hand on the gauze covering the mess Adrian had made of Oliver’s bratva tattoo. Oliver instantly recoiled, hissing at the pain it caused.

“All I did was touch it. The people you’d be fighting would do a lot worse.” She rationalized. If he wasn’t capable of being rational then she’d do it for him.

Oliver sighed.  He looked so defeated. It cut Felicity deep seeing him like this. The thought of leaving him like this, alone, cut her deeper.

“We’re ready.” Curtis stated from behind them.

“I’ll be there in a second.” Felicity replied. Curtis nodded and walked out to wait with the rest of the team.

“Why are you dressed like that?” Oliver asked.

“I have a backup plan.” She avoided. She hoped he wouldn’t notice her clothes. She knew he’d be furious with what she was planning on doing and that she was planning on doing it with Helix. But none of that changed the fact that she had to do it.

“What kind of backup plan?” He pressed.

“The kind that doesn’t involve you. Please, just trust me on this and rest. The team will be back from their mission before you know it. I’ll be back with even more good news soon.” She comforted as she made for the exit.

“Felicity. Whatever you and Helix are doing, please don’t.” He pled.

“I have to do this, Oliver. Trust me.” She pled as she looked at him.

“I do. It’s them I don’t trust.” Oliver explained.

“I trust them, isn’t that enough.” Felicity reasoned before she left.

 

* * *

 

 

Oliver knew he should feel guilty. Guilty for not staying in the bunker like Felicity had asked. Even more guilty for following her on her ‘helix mission’ when she’d asked him to trust her. He did trust her, but Helix was no where on his list of trustees. Curtis had told him some of the things she’d done for them when she had been looking for him. To say it was very illegal was a sin. Terrorist, that’s what’d they call her if she was caught.

He watched from a safe distance. Felicity and her friend had hired mercenaries to help them in whatever mission this was. This isn’t his Felicity. That thought sent his heart to the floor. They were in an A.R.G.U.S warehouse in the Glades. He still wasn’t sure what they were doing here. From what he could tell this was just a storage location.

Felicity and company disappeared from his line of sight, so he moved to follow. He stopped, much as they had, abruptly.

He saw the lasers. They were huge and the were protecting one shipping container. What the hell is in there? What could be _that_ important? Before he could form another thought the lasers vanished.

Oliver turned his attention from where the lasers had been to Felicity and her friend. They approached the container removing the keys for opening it as they went.

Once it was open, Oliver was astonished to see a man sitting inside tied to a chair. He couldn’t tell who it was due to the black bag over his head. Is this a hostage or a prisoner? His actions would be dramatically different to each answer, so he decided to wait for that answer before acting.

Maybe this is a hostage. He knew that A.R.G.U.S wasn’t above forcing people to act for them. He’d been on the receiving end of that many times. But he believed Lyla was above such actions.

His answer arrived when he heard Felicity say, “You guys get Cayden to the van. I’ll put the laser back up to by us some more time”.

Cayden James. Felicity had just helped Helix break an insane cyberterrorist from A.R.G.U.S custody. He’d heard John talk about how much this case was bothering Lyla. He’d helped Lyla when she was so blinded by her frustrations in catching Cayden she couldn’t see what was right in front of her anymore.

Oliver couldn’t believe that _this_ is what Felicity was doing. How did she get here? How could she think any of this was okay? He was grateful that Felicity had separated herself from them. Maybe he could stop them, recapture Cayden, and get out of there before Felicity could realize it was him.

He moved to follow Cayden and when the began loading him into the van, he revealed himself.

The familiar sound of the bullet ricocheting off the van door met his ears. A warning shot, nothing more. He may not trust these people, but they don’t deserve to die. Cayden James, he’s a different story.

“Stop or the next one goes in his head.” Oliver warned before aiming the gun at Cayden’s head.

“Then it’ll have to go through me.” Felicity retorted, running to stand between Cayden and Oliver.

Oliver felt his heart jump into his throat. He’s aiming a gun at her. Oliver Queen is pointing a gun at Felicity Smoak. He’d never hated himself more than right now.

“GO!” Felicity yelled out to her friends. They loaded Cayden into the van.

“Get out of the way!” Oliver yelled. He needed her be anywhere but here.

“You know I can’t do that.” Felicity replied. Oliver watched as Helix and Cayden drove away. In a last-ditch effort to stop him from getting away, he started to run after them.

“I was really hoping you wouldn’t!” Felicity yelled.

Oliver stopped dead in his tracks when the laser that was behind him was suddenly in front of him. Oliver turned to find another way out but there was none. She trapped him. He felt his inside starting to close in on him. He’d never been claustrophobic before, but he’d spent to much time in small cells to be okay being trapped.

“Oliver, don’t move. That is a 30-kilowatt spectral beam laser. It will cut you to the bone.” Felicity cautioned, concern lacing her every word.

Oliver thought “she doesn’t have the right to be concerned, she did this”.

“I’ll have Curtis let you out.” She reassured.

Oliver thought “she doesn’t get to reassure, she did this”.

“I’m sorry. I am. I’m really hoping that you’re gonna understand after we get Chase.” Felicity said.

Oliver fought the urge to laugh. He wasn’t convinced he’d be there to see it.

“Don’t count on it.” He replied.

* * *

 

Oliver walked back into the bunker feeling lower than he ever had, and that’s saying something. He now knew without a shadow of a doubt that Adrian was right. He was convinced of it before but he still had hope that everyone could help him see otherwise. After tonight, that hope was gone. He could feel the weight he had been carrying for years now lifting off his shoulders and it terrified him. He’d always suspected that he would feel relief when that day finally came but he was wrong.

He walked over to the cabinet they keep the alcohol in and pushed aside the bottle of Russian vodka he normally drinks and grabbed the bottle of whiskey behind it. He didn’t want something that reminded him of Russia and Anatoly right now. He needed something that felt like comfort; whiskey was the closest he could get. He was only partly aware of Curtis’s babbling as he walked over and sat the bottle and glass down on the conference table. He turned to face them and gave Diggle a nod that told him he was fine but wanted to be alone. He was grateful when Dig nodded back and left. He was grateful for a lot where Digg was concerned.

“What do you want to do about Felicity?” Dinah asked in a gentle tone.

“There is nothing to do. She put herself in front of a bullet in order to take down Chase. Until that happens, I don’t know what to say to her.”

“In the meantime, we drink to her speedy success,” Curtis said taking a slight step forward.

Dinah reached out and placed her hand on his chest stopping him, “In the meantime, I think we go home.”

“Why there are more glasses in the bunker. Oh, you want to drink by your-. Yeah, that makes sense.” Curtis babbled.

“Thank you, both very much for tonight,” Oliver stated and with that, they were gone, and he was alone. As it should be.

***

Three glasses of whiskey, later Oliver realized he was still in his field clothes. He stood up and shook off the dizziness, a side effect of the whiskey no doubt, and started back for his ‘bedroom’. It wasn’t a bedroom really; just a corner of the bunker that held a cot and his clothes. He grabbed a change of clothes and started for the bathroom. On his way he thought he heard the sound of the elevator doors opening but chalked it up to the whiskey and kept walking.

He changed his clothes and let out a sigh. He felt hollow as he remembered standing there looking at Felicity through the lasers that separated them. He stood there, trapped, and watched her walk away from him again and that’s the moment his hope left. That was the exact moment that he realized that Adrian was right. He ruined Felicity’s life the moment he walked into her office with a bullet-riddled laptop and asked for her help. All the terrible things that she’d been subjected to could be traced back to the moment he reached out to her. If he had just been strong enough to stay away from that mysterious blonde who babbled her way into his heart that night he broke into to QC, she would be happy and safe right now. She would have always been happy and safe. He was a fool to think he could protect her from all the turmoil of the world he brought her into. He never stopped to wonder who was going to protect her from him.

He stood up and was heading back to the now half empty bottle of whiskey when he made the mistake of looking up at his reflection. He stood there, frozen with Adrian’s words screaming in his mind, _“Do you really think John Diggle and Felicity Smoak’s lives are better having known you?”._

He looked into his own eyes and snapped.


	7. my love was aimless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, i just want to say that this isn't to graphic but there are mentions of attempted suicide so be forewarned about that.
> 
> [Chapter Title](https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=he+got+away+noah+gundersen+%26+the+forest+rangers+lyrics)

                                               

Silence.

..

Darkness.

..

Hollow.

..

That’s all Felicity feels now. When she went to change out of her mission clothes last night she never expected to find Oliver like that. She swallows the image of that moment but she can’t swallow the last words he spoke, _“I infect every life I touch”_.

“I called Thea.” She heard John inform. She didn’t even hear him come in the room. She most definitely didn’t see him. She hasn’t been able to pry her eyes from Oliver since she entered his room.

“How’d she take it?” Felicity wondered.

“‘Bout how you’d expect. She’s coming home.” John informed, once again.

“I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not, John.” Felicity confessed, she wasn’t sure he even heard her.

“Why?”

“Seeing him like this isn’t easy.” She admitted.

“I’m sorry to interrupt. I just wanted to give you an update on his condition and let you know that Chase tried to come visit.” Dr. Schwartz informed when she entered the room.

“He still here?” John asked, anger in his voice. John pissed off was a scary feeling. He was usually so calm.

“No, I had him escorted out. There were too many people around for him to make a scene and come out on the good side of things. I also had our systems updated so that if he tried to come visit him again, they’d tell him he was transferred to an A.R.G.U.S facility. I hope that’s okay. I figured he wouldn’t risk a visit there just to gloat.”

“Thank you, Doc. That was good thinking.” John stated.

“How is he?” She asked, reaching out to grab Oliver’s hand. She felt a sudden surging need to feel him.

“I wish I had good news for you, Miss. Smoak. His injuries themselves have been treated and are healing as to be expected. It’s the blood loss he suffered that has me concerned.” Dr. Schwartz said, looking at Oliver with a hint of fear in her eyes.

“Why? You gave him a transfusion.” Felicity replied. She could feel her own fear rising.

“We gave him multiple transfusions, Miss. Smoak. But you have to understand that blood carries oxygen to tissues that are vital for life. I’m concerned about the amount of time that his brain went without proper oxygen.” She explained.

“What does that mean? I mean, I know what it means but what does that mean for Oliver?” Felicity rambled.

“It means that there is no real way of knowing the extent of the damage done until he wakes up. Then we’ll assess from there and run the proper tests. I’m sorry.” Dr. Schwartz stated before turning towards the door.

“When will he wake up, Doc?” John asked from the other side of the room.

“I wish I had an answer for that.” She confessed before exiting the room.

Felicity sat there looking at the love of her life, watching his chest rise and fall and taking some comfort in it. She felt the hollowness creeping back over her. She didn’t know what the right thing to do was now. Should she stay here with him? Should she go back to the bunker and use what they had to bring down Chase? She didn’t know. She felt... _heavy_.

“Felicity, what’s the play here?” John asked as he walked over to lean on the wall and glare at her, at least that’s how she felt.

“I don’t know.” She stated.

“Did he say anything to you? Give you any clue as to why he’d…” John stalled at saying the words and Felicity lost it.

“want to kill himself? That’s what you were trying to say. No, John. He didn’t mention it to me. We both know that he hasn’t exactly been in the best place the last few days. I didn’t know he was going to do this and fuck you for implying that I’d just let him die!” Felicity wasn’t sure where but at some point during her rant she’d started crying again.

“Hey, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to imply anything. I’m just trying to understand this.” John apologized.

“You can’t. None of us can. I don’t even think he does.” Felicity reasoned before turning back to Oliver.

Did she cause this? He seemed okay when she left him in the bunker but that wasn’t the last time she saw him before she found him. The look on his face when he realized that she’d trapped him in that warehouse will haunt her, he looked resigned. At the time she didn’t understand it but looking at him now she felt she did.

“I did this.” She admitted, so quietly she wasn’t sure she’d actually said it.

“What are you talking about?” John asked, worry evident in his voice.

“John, I think this is my fault.”

“How?”

“Earlier last night, when the team went on that mission, I went on a mission with Helix to get some alternate options in taking down Chase. Oliver seemed okay when I left him at the bunker, at little peeved that he couldn’t get out in the field but okay. But he followed me and Helix and he tried to stop our mission. I had to trap him to keep him safe and protect our mission so everything we did wasn’t for nothing. When he realized that I trapped him, he looked at me and there was just something there...like he was resigned. I didn’t get it then but I do now.” She related the experience the best she could.

“Felicity, I don’t care what happened. This is not your fault. There is only one person to blame for any of these. Adrian Chase, and we have everything we need to stop him. We have proof of who the son-of-a-bitch really is and thanks to you a way to find him, no matter where he goes.” John reasoned.

Felicity didn’t say anything, just nodded in reply. She wasn’t sure if he was right.

“Can I have some time alone with him, please?” Felicity asked.

“Of course. Just call if you need anything.” John comforted as he moved to leave.

“And Felicity, this isn’t your fault.” John added before opening the door.

“You already said that.” She said moving to meet John’s eyes before he left.

“Just want to make sure it sticks.” He said with a smile before shutting the door behind him.

Now she was alone; just her, an unconscious Oliver and her thoughts.

She swallowed hard and moved to sit on his bed next to him; as she again felt to far from him. She remembered doing this when Barry had been in a coma all those years ago. This was a different feeling entirely. This was Oliver and he'd tried to kill himself. She knew that he'd wanted to many times over the past ten years but she'd never seen it, and he'd never actually tried. He'd done plenty of reckless and self-sacrificing things but again this was different. she did remember that Barry had told her that he felt her and could remember some of the things she'd told him. She was hoping the same was true for Oliver.

"Hey. God, I feel lame talking to you like this. But I don't know if I'll ever have another chance to say any of this so here it goes." She paused and took a deep breath before speaking again.

"I'm sorry. I've been thinking about a lot of things recently, and I was planning on talking to you about it all after we got Chase but you kind of forced my hand here. Back on point, Smoak; I was wrong. Just walking away from you like that. I mean, I'm not saying that it was all my fault but I should have at least talked to you or let you talk to me. I was wrong for giving up on you. I mean, I didn't just give up on you, ya know? I kinda just gave up on everything. This whole past year I felt like I was just pretending. I just want you to know that I'm sorry. But in some weird way all of this help me understand something. It's not that you don't trust me, it's that you don't trust yourself; I don't think you ever did. I know that Chase is in your head but so am I. I believe our love is stronger than his hate. I know that I love you and that you love me. So now I need you fight whatever is happening inside you and wake up. We'll put our love back together and burn Adrian Chase's world to the ground, together."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>  [gif credit](http://oilversqueen.tumblr.com/post/167578022686)
> 
>  
> 
> comments are adored and inspiring <3


	8. Come Tomorrow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oliver decides to fight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the lack of update. i suck and i got really into my other fic.

Oliver opened his eyes slowly, blinking through the haze that was hanging over him. The light was bright, too bright. The lights in the bunker weren't this bright. He felt his heart rate spiking followed by a loud beeping that mirrored his heartbeats. 

“Oliver?” He heard a voice ask softly.

He turned to see what was going on and saw Felicity sitting next to his bed, that wasn’t  _ his _ bed at all.

“What’s going on? Where am I?” He asked, the confusion only spiking his heart rate more.

Felicity got up and moved to sit beside him on the bed.

“Hey, you’re in the hospital. Dr. Schwartz has been taking good care of you.” She informed, taking his hand and laying it in her lap.

He tried to remember what could have landed him in the hospital. He didn’t find anything. He remembered Felicity trapping him and the team letting him out. He remembered drinking, a lot. But, there was nothing after that. 

“Why am I here?” He asked.

Felicity didn’t speak. She glanced down at his hands and his eyes followed hers. He inhaled a breath of shock into his lungs when his eyes landed on the bandage wrapped around his wrist. He’d definitely thought about killing himself, more times than he cared to admit, but he’d actually tried. He didn’t know how to feel.

“Hey.” Felicity addressed quietly.

Oliver’s eyes met hers, warily. He wasn’t sure what’d he find there; regret, pain, or worst of all, pitty. He sighed when all he saw was awe and love. How’d she do it?

“You’re still here. We’ll fight this the same way we have everything else, together. Okay?” 

“I….Felicity, I don’t know how.” He admitted, tearing his eyes from hers.

“I do. But we can talk about that after the Doc sees you.” 

* * *

 

Dr. Schwartz had been in to assess the extent of the damage the blood loss had caused. She’d ran her tests and seemed pleasantly surprised that he was fine, relatively speaking. She’d informed him that he’d have to stay until his blood count had returned to normal and she could release him with a clean bill of health. He’d hated that part. He wanted to go home.

Now, here they all are. Oliver in his hospital bed, shifting anxiously. Felicity laying next to him, fast asleep. And John, standing in front of the large window, staring into the dark of the night. Oliver stopped his fidgeting when Felicity began to stir in her sleep. 

He settled his anxious energy on John. He looked….heavy, like he was carrying something.

“John?”

“Why?” He asked, the emotion in his voice was hard to detect.

“I….don’t know.” Oliver answered.

“Oliver, whatever that son of a bitch did to you, you should know that you can talk to me. I’ve stood by you through so much. I’ve seen so much. I know you; the good, the bad and the ugly. Oliver, I know.”

Oliver stared at his back and waited for him to turn. When he didn’t, he spoke.

“John, it’s not like I planned this. It just….happened. I’d be lying if I said that the thought hadn’t crossed my mind. We both know it has. I guess, I just couldn’t see a way out of all of this shit that didn’t end in you or Felicity selling your souls for me. I couldn’t let that happen. If I die, it’s over.”

“It’s over for you.” John said, finally turning to face his brother. Oliver was surprised to see that the tears on his face. 

“What….” 

“It’d be over for you. What do you think would happen to the rest of us if we lost you? I know it’s hard for you to understand, especially after having Chase in your head for so long, but you are just as much our light as we are yours. You’ve pulled all of us back from the brink, multiple times. You give us hope. Oliver, I watched her mourn you once.” John informed, motioning to Felicity’s sleeping form.

“Don’t make me do it again. She’s strong but I don’t that she could survive losing you like that. She needs you to fight. So does Thea, Rene, Dinah, Curtis, Lance, William, and me.”

“John, I don’t….I don’t know how. How do I fight him? I’ve tried everything. I’ve done everything I can to stop him. He’s too far ahead of me and he knows me too well. I can’t get a head of him.”

“Yeah, he knows you. But he made one crucial mistake.”

“What’s that?” 

“He underestimated Felicity Smoak and what’d she do for someone she loves.”

The missions. He’d completely forgotten. 

“You got it?”

“With the tech the team got and the tech Felicity got from Helix, not only can we reveal the son of a bitch’s identity, we can find him.”

Damn. This could all be over in a matter of hours.

“We out him. He’ll run scared. We’ll find him and end this.”

“How does she do it?” Oliver asked, looking down at the woman sleeping next to him.

He moved the hair from her face so he could see her face better. She truly was his angel. She had been since he first saw her all those years ago. In that moment, he knew what he was fighting for.

He was fighting for a chance. A chance at redemption. He’d fight to redeem himself to her, to prove to himself that Adrian was wrong, he’d fight for his city and he’d fight to make his father proud.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments are appreciated and filed away for inspirations.


	9. Hit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright so this story is coming to a close, with only one more chapter left.

“Thank you all for coming. I know you’re all wondering what this press conferences is about so I won’t bother with theartics.” Felicity heard Oliver say through the comms. 

They’d spent the past two weeks making sure that Adrian Chase continued to believe he had the team, mostly Oliver, right where he wanted them. The waited and planned and now, it’s go time.

Felicity, Rene and Curtis lay in wait outside City Hall, in case Adrian was able to make a run; which would take a miracle. 

Meanwhile, Oliver stood in the room next to his office that was often used for press conferences, Lance, Thea and Adrian Chase by his side. Diggle and Dinah were also laid in wait, in Oliver’s office along with the F.B.I, A.R.G.U.S and Star City’s S.W.A.T. team. The only way Chase was getting out of there was in handcuffs or on a stretcher, both Oliver and Felicity hoped he chose the latter. 

“We’ve finally been able to not only identify the throwing star killer.”

Felicity felt the pride welling up in her at the confidence and pride in Oliver’s voice. She’d honestly never expect to hear it again. She’d thought he’d finally withstood all he could handle. But, he just forgotten how strong he was.

“This is it.” She heard Diggle say through the comms.

She felt everyone that was privy to the next step freeze solid, waiting for the cue.

“ District Attorney Adrian Chase is the Throwing Star Killer.” Oliver said.

Time froze still. Felicity listened intently for the signal from Oliver that she needed to act, to shut the building down. She watched from her tablet as the press conference became a raid. There must have been at least fifty guns all pointing at Adrian. The press that were in attendance moved behind the officers, per Dinah’s instruction. Felicity was suddenly aware of how easy it would be for Oliver to get hit in the crossfire should they have to shoot. She felt her stomach drop to the floor. Did Oliver want that?

“Are you insane?!” Adrian exclaimed, rage evident on his face. Oliver had made a move he didn’t anticipate and it pissed him off.

“No. I have proof. I’d have to have a lot of it in order to get this kind of backup.” Oliver replied nonchalantly. 

Felicity would be lying if she said Oliver’s tone wasn’t making her uneasy. She felt the time that had previously slow to crawl hurl into overdrive.

There was a sinister grin on Adrian’s face. The kind that said ‘I’ll take you with me’. Then he lunged in Oliver’s direction and Dig yelled, “Fire!”. He hadn’t made the same observation as her about Oliver’s proximity to Chase.

“No!” She screamed, throwing herself at the door of the van and running towards the doors of City Hall.

She froze in her steps when she heard the sound of gunfire blasting in her ear and echoing from above her. 

Silence.

God, how she hates silence.

More silence.

After what felt like a lifetime, Felicity heard breathing through the comms. Who’s she didn’t know.

“Felicity, call an ambulance.” Dinah instructed.

Who was hit? Was it just Chase? God, she hoped it was just Chase.

“Dinah, is he-” She couldn’t bring herself to finish her sentence.

“Dig’s fine. Oliver made sure Thea was out of the line of fire before anything started. Lance has a flesh wound and Oliver was hit.”

He’d been hit.

She was only mildly aware that Rene and Curtis were now at her side and calling 9-1-1. 

“Felicity?” Oliver asked through the comms.

She felt her heart begin to beat at an alarming rate upon hearing his voice.

“Oliver, are you…” still unable to ask.

“Next time we make an elaborate plan to corner a psychopath, let’s make sure he or she is the only one on the other side of the guns, yeah?”

Felicity laughed, “I like that.”

“I’ll live, Felicity.” Oliver reassured. 

Something in his tone told her that he wasn’t just talking about his gunshot wound. She felt he was promising her that. He’d live and more importantly, he wanted to live.

“I’m on my way.” She declared. The overwhelming distance between them wasn’t something she could stand any longer.

She began her journey to him and as she approached the elevator she heard John’s voice declare, “Adrian Chase is dead”.

She smiled to herself.

They’d won.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments are adored. <3


	10. Th End

 

Tonight finds all the members of Team Arrow, Thea, and Quentin in the hospital surrounding Oliver. This time under better circumstances than the last. Adrian Chase had been outed and killed. The Green Arrow’s name had been cleared. And Oliver’s hope was on the mend.

Oliver had asked Felicity to call everyone and get them there so he could ‘purge’. His speech had been the most honest any of them had ever seen. He told them the full truth of what Adrian had made him believe. He’d told them why he believed and about seeing a therapist about his issues. He also promised them that when he took on the mantle of Green Arrow again it would be different. He told them the things he was proud of and the things he regretted.

When he was finished Thea was the first to speak, “Therapy seems to be working. I don’t think you’ve talked this much without being on some kind of drug.” 

After everyone left, one person remained. Felicity.

Oliver wasn’t sure where to even begin where she and they were concerned. He’d spent the better part of year waiting for her to be ready to talk. But after Billy, he thought he’d destroyed any possibility of reconciling with her. Was she staying close because she was still in love with him or was it something else?

He knew there was only one way to find out.

“Felicity?” He asked, waiting for her eyes to meet his before continuing.

That was a mistake. He felt the words he’d prepared in his mind fly out the wind. 

“Um, I know - I was thinking…” He tried to find a start and failed miserably.

She gave him a confused face, much like when he’d babbled about dinner the first time he asked her on a date.

“You know what, nevermind.” He sighed with defeat.

He looked up at the ceiling wishing he had never opened his mouth.

“Oliver, what were you going to say?” Felicity asked, curiosity getting the best of her.

She hates mysteries. 

“It’s just the drugs like Thea said.” He tried to laugh it off.

He heard her get up from her chair and then her heels clicking against the floor. He felt the bed sinking down next to him and then she spoke, “Honey, don’t close off now.”

He was closing off, wasn’t he? He hadn’t even noticed it happening. He’d promised both his therapist and himself that he would work on accepting his emotions. He took a deep breath and did his best to accept whatever emotions came as he spoke.

“I need to know something but I’m scared of what you’ll say.” He explained.

“Whatever it is, I’m still gonna be right here.” She encouraged.

She was right. He’d watch her walk away from him many times but she never went too far. They are a part of each other.  _ We found ourselves in each other. _

“Is it all too much?” He asked, willing his head up so he could see her, “I know we don’t talk about it but before the island, I loved Laurel. I really did. I had a shitty way of showing it but I did. But when I came home and we tried again. It was all too much. She was the love of my life I never had, you know? And this feeling I have now with you--”

“Is like the one you had when you realized it was too much for you and her?” She finished.

“Yeah.” He let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

“Oliver, I’m sure you don’t remember this but I already told you how I feel. I love you.” She admitted.

“I know. I know you love me but are you in love with me?” 

“I have been in love with you from the moment you showed up at my cubicle babbling about laptops and lattes. From the moment we met there has never been a day where I wasn’t in love with you. There were days I wanted to not be and days where I fell in love all over again. Oliver, I know this love isn’t easy but it’s worth it.”

“I don’t babble.” 

“Honey, you babbled about ten minutes ago.”

He gave a look that bordered on a pout and she caved. Oliver doesn’t babble.

“So, it’s not too much?” He asked with a shaky voice.

“No, it’s not too much. We have a lot to talk about and understand but I want to do that.”  She reassured.

“Oh thank god,” He exclaimed, “I mean, I do too.” 

Felicity giggled before leaning down to press her lips to his. This small action made Oliver’s heart feel like it was stopping and beating out of his chest all at once. When their lips met for the first time in almost a year, it was like the someone turned on the light in a dark room. It felt like safety, lazy Sundays and coming home. The pulled away and Felicity lay her forehead against his and Oliver made her a promise, one she’d waited five years to hear.

“No more lies. No more secrets. No more walls. I want you in everything. I want to show you everything; the good, the bad.”

They stayed like that for several moments, wrapped in the new beginning and Oliver’s promise. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank you all for the comments & kudus. They mean a lot to me. 
> 
> Also, I hate when fics do this to me so I'm gonna offer a chance to not do it to you. If there was a scene you wanted and didn't get or a hole in the story that'd you like filled then comment and let me know. :)
> 
> I'm also gonna pimp (<\-- can you still say that?) my other fic here as well and say that if you love angst then check it out.  
> Salt in the Wound. It's an Olicity Army Au but it's different than the other I've read so check it out.
> 
>   
>  [gif source](http://seeing-red-arrow.tumblr.com/post/146216720654)


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